Random.

When i first met him i was skeptical about us, but soon i knew i was falling.

I listened and tried to help

but it wasn't enough.

I started to walk the path of love but i could sense he wasn't behind.

I asked countless times whether or not i was a distraction

and with each reply came a definite "no"

yet i knew better.

I was a filler.

Someone to take your mind things

You may not have wanted me to be

But your body betrayed your mind

Looking for the nearest fix

I was it

Through my eyes you were perfect the way you are

You claimed you were not who you wanted to be

Yet thats who i fell in love with

And it seems the more you shed this facade the harder i loved

The more they rejected the harder i fought for it
And harder i fought

the more you pushed away

put up your walls

and locked me out.

Jay-Hacked Part I: Random Thoughs of a Precocious Wanderer..

A Walking Corpse
A body with no soul
Well maybe a soul, but not a clean one....
This one's tarnished...
Old and worn and full of holes
Stains from where regret gripped my conscience and wouldn't let go
The more i wiped the bigger the stains got
Don't really mind them so much now
People say I never had a heart
Thats not true....
I had one....
It worked fine....
But time took its toll
Lovers came and gone, and took pieces of it with them
What was once something whole, was now mishapen and grotesque
It made no sense to use it
Something as mangled as that could not possibly be of any use...
So I cut it out...
And buried it in my backyard, in hopes another one will grow
They say thses things take
I'm in no rush
I cut out my emotions too, and buried them beside it
Waiting til the time is right to unearth them
So far I feel fine....
In the physical sense
I suppose you can't really "feel" if you have nothing to feel with
Im not really living anymore
Just drifting
Waiting for signs of life from that little patch of dirt......

How Do I Say....

How do you tell someone that the first time you saw them you fell
that even a glimpse of them makes you smile
that their touch sets your skin ablaze
that their whispers make you melt
that you could lay with them forever not saying a word because the silence says it all
that you want to fix all their problems
that their worries are yours....

But he cant...theres nothing left....a pile of ashes where a heart once was.....
So you sit...waiting....hoping......for it to return
Your tears water it
You nurture it with love
And you sit....
waiting.....

Inside Voices: The Power of I

~SHOUTS~
I WILL NOT be belittled by you.
I WILL NOT be your little puppet on a string, to play with at your leisusre
I WILL NOT be put into your box of who i am supposed to be
I WILL NOT change myself just becasue you deem my behavior, not the norm
I WILL NOT let you tell what i do is wrong, just because i dont do it your way
I WILL NOT let you take advantage of me
I WILL NOT waste my tears on trivial things

I WILLcontinue to be me
I WILL learn to love my myself
I WILLput God and FAMily First
I WILL be strong enough to resist temptation
I WILL embrace change
I WILLdo the best I can
I WILL help those who help me
I WILL succeed

I AM NOT your lost puppy to save
I AM NOT you pet project
I AM NOT obligated to respect you, If you do not respect me
I AM NOT going to assume that your way is the only way
I AM NOT going to stress over things i have not control over

DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM?? MY NAME IS JAY.
I AM ARTISTIC, BEAUTIFUL,SARCASTIC, THOUGHTFUL, COMPASSIONATE, KIND, AND RESPECTFUL AND YOU DO NOT I REPEAT YOU DO NOT OWN ME NOR DO YOU CONTROL ME I AM A FREE THINKING INDEPENDENT WOMAN READY TO TAKE ON THE WORLD AND IF YOU ARE NOT READY TO ACCPET ME AS I AM BE PREPARED TO BE LEFT BEHIND.